*You awake in an underground bunker to the sounds of gunfire. Screaming.*
COME WITH ME IF YOU STILL WANNA LIVE!!!
Get up, kid! We’ve been HAD. It’s the mole people. It’s ALWAYS the mole people. What do you MEAN you don’t know about the mole people!? It’s COMMON MILITARY KNOWLEDGE. HERE THEY COME.
*he sprays assault rifle fire over your shoulder*
Okay so LISTEN *pant* remember how we accidentally *gasp* launched that nuke and blew up the city? Well the MOLE PEOPLE DO TOO. They’ve been *wheeze* biding their time underground just WAITING for the human race to monumentally fuck up. AND WE MONUMENTALLY *HEAVE* FUCKED UP. SO NOW THEY THINK THEY CAN TAKE US CAUSE THEY THINK WE’RE WEAK. WE’LL WE’RE NOT WEAK ARE WE? HELL NO. NOW LET’S FUCK UP SOME—
*he gets hit in the chest*
*He falls to the floor. He grabs your shirt with a bloodstained hand*
Listen kid, I’m *cough* not gonna make it. It’s up to you to save the human race, now. Stop crying, of course you can. I was like you once. A wimp. Until I *hack* part of an experimental government program that trains super soldiers by making them play action games and then INJECTING those *splutter* main character skills into their brains via electrodes. Lucky for you, I have a wireless all purpose video game console and a pair of electrole right here, just in *spits* something like this were to happen to me.
Are you ready to become the greatest *gag* warrior humanity has ever known? Well GET READY. Cause here we go.
We’re gonna start with PHYSICAL FITNESS. And I can’t think of a better game than Shadow of The Colossus. Apparently the boys in the lab couldn’t either, so it made the cut. You play as a boy named Wander, and your job is to CLIMB GIANT MONSTERS AND STAB THEM IN THE HEAD WITH A SWORD TO SAVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND. ROMANTIC, RIGHT? This kid is STRONG. Strong enough to hold on when an evil looking 100 feet tall Fozzy Bear is trying to shake him off. Which is EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HERE THEY COME AGAIN. CARRY US UP TO THAT ESCAPE HATCH.
Good job, kid. That wasn’t easy. I’m 300 pounds of solid muscle. You basically just bench-pressed a small cow. But you’re gonna need more than strength, you’re gonna need GUNS. AND LOTS OF THEM. I don’t have time to train you how to use every kind of gun in existence because 1). that’s impractical and 2). my insides are literal on my outsides right now. So instead, we’re gonna play Borderlands 2. That game has EVERY SINGLE KIND OF GUN IN THE UNIVERSE. SO START PICKING THEM UP. You’re gonna fight truckloads enemies on the planet Pandora, and you’re gonna stick to the asshole main villain Handsome Jack and all his corporate cronies. AND YOU BETTER START NOW BECAUSE THE MOLES ARE CLIMBING THE LADDER. TAKE MY POCKET SIZED MINI GUN AND PAINT THE TOWN RED. WITH ENTRAILS.
Excellent work, kid. We’ll make a super soldier out of you yet. But in this new mole people world, guns alone won’t be enough to save you. You’ve gonna need to start developing psychic powers, and you’re gonna need to do it fast. They’re really useful for reloading really quickly. That’s why you never see people in action movies do it! They do it with blinding telekinetic speed that can’t be seen by the naked eye. So I’m gonna need you to crack open this game Control and start trying to pick shit up with your mind. The game is about a woman who works for the Federal Bureau of Control, which is a government agency responsible for dealing with ALIENS. Specifically aliens that can reach our world through psychic links to KITCHEN APPLIANCES. It’s a lot of explain. It all started—NO TIME PICK THAT GUY UP AND TOSS HIM WITH YOUR MIND BEFORE HE USES THAT PARTICLE BEAM.
Amazing job, kid. That guy did not known what hit him. He literally couldn’t comprehend it on this plane of metaphysical existence. But sometimes you won’t always be able to use your psychic powers. Sometimes an enemy will get the drop on you and you’re gonna have to fight hand to hand. So you better start downloading Batman’s skills into your brain because he’s really good at it. I mean this combat system redefined action game combat systems. It’s so fluid. Like Gatorade, or my own sexuality. But there’s no time to get into that kid, because you need to PUNCH THAT GUY WHO’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU. DO A JUDO TOSS.
That was a close one, kid. You got lucky. You won’t always be that lucky. BUT WE CAN FIX THAT. You just need to impeccable luck of Uncharted 2‘s Nathan Drake. I don’t know what sort of mystical contract he has with the universe that allows him fall out of planes and be okay but you’re gonna need to draft up one of your own. You’re gonna accomplish ungodly feats of luck in this game. You’ll climb up trains that are hanging off the sides of cliffs, but they won’t tumble off until you can just barely jump to safety. You’ll escape all sorts of grisly deaths through the sheer power of your unbreakable plot armor. And you’ll do it while cracking one liners the whole time. By the way … is that A GRENADE AT YOUR FEET?
Are we dead? How are we not dead? The grenade … didn’t go off? YOU DID IT KID. THAT’S EXACTLY THE KIND OF ONE IN A MILLION PLOT ARMOR THAT WE NEED. But listen, I don’t want to rely on luck all the time, because doing so makes me very uncomfortable. So I think it’s better if we start avoiding the enemy all together. And Metal Gear Solid 4 is the perfect game to teach you how to do that. It takes place in the future, where the hero Solid Snake has an adaptive camouflage bodysuit that lets him blend into anything. Like an octopus! You’re gonna spend most of this game with your heart in your throat narrowly avoiding enemies who are right next to you but don’t know you’re there. It’s a thrill ride. But it’s not all stealth, you also get to fight with GIANTS ROBOTS as well. Now if only we could find a giant robot of our own to—MOLE PATROL. HIDE.
Kid, that was brilliant. I don’t know if that was a stroke of tactical genius, or you just passed out from fear, but hiding in plain site by pretending to be a dead guy WORKED. I thought FOR SURE you’d break when that mole-man kicked you in the neck. That must have really pissed you off. Made you angry. Well, I have a game that can help you channel that anger into raw destructive power. We’re gonna play Grand Theft Auto V, and you’re gonna watch very closely how Trevor handles his anger. HE DOESN’T. HE LETS IT GO AND HE KILLS EVERYONE IN A THREE MILE RADIUS. IT’S NOT AT ALL TACTICALLY SOUND, BUT GOD IS IT FUN. Sure you’ll spend the game doing sneaky heists and driving getaway cars, but the best part of the game is where you get go APESHIT and DECLARE WAR ON EVERYTHING WITH A PULSE. WHICH YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO DO RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THAT MOLE PATROL IS BACK.
Kid, that was some shooting. You managed to kill all of them. I think there were even a couple of mole people civilians in that group, but killing innocents is the Grand Theft Auto V way. Well done. But sometimes, you’re not gonna want to mow down everyone, both good and evil, in your path. You’re gonna wanna use a little finesse. That’s where Red Dead Redemption 2 comes in. Listen, before you start playing, take this tissue, because this game aims straight for your heart and really fans that hammer until you’re an emotional puddle on the floor. In mean this game is basically an HBO series that you play. You will cry. But first, I’m gonna need you to watch how the greatest video game character of all time Arthur Morgan handles that shootin’ iron. You’re gonna need to be precise in your shooting, because not to freak you out, but there’s a mole person with a hostage at the other end of the tunnel and you’re gonna need to be able to hit only one of them.
Well done, kid. You brained that guy. Clean. Right between the eyes. The hostage is fine. I mean he’s traumatized for life because I’m pretty sure a little bit of mole-man brain got in his mouth but physically he’s fine. At this point kid, you’re gonna be physically fine yourself. But I’m gonna need you to start being spiritually fine as well. The mole people are simply servants of an Elder God named Molgoth, and to beat him, you you’re gonna need to ascend to a higher spiritual plane. Basically what I’m saying is, you need to become a god. But don’t worry! I know a guy who did it. His name is Kratos, and he’s the hero of God of War. He fights gods all the time. He kills like three of them in this game alone! And he’s gonna kill way more. You’re gonna want to hang on to those tissues though, kid. This game is a tearjerker too. But it’ll make you cry happy tears because of how goddamn sweet the ending is. It’s a story about a father and son. A father teaching his son to be an adult. You know kid, I feel a little bit like a father figure to you. If you wanna call me Dad you—SHOULD PREPARE YOURSELF BECAUSE MOLGOTH JUST AWAKENED FROM HIS THOUSAND YEAR SLUMBER. GO KILL HIM.
You did it, kid. You killed a god. I didn’t think that it could be done. But you did it. Those mole people are on the run now. The world should be safe, but not everyone made it out alive.
*coughs up blood*
I don’t think I’m going to either…
Listen, kid. What I’m gonna teach you now is the hardest lesson of all to learn. The ability to move on. And I can’t think of a better game to show you how to do that than The Last of Us. In the opening of the game, the main protagonist Joel watches his own daughter die in a zombie apocalypse. The game then jumps into the future, and Joel has moved on as best as he can. In a way, he finds a new daughter. A girl named Ellie, who happens to be immune to the virus. Ellie has buried people too, including her adorable lesbian girlfriend. It’s a game that’s fundamentally about loss, and the ability to keep on going even when your heart is about to give out. So promise me this, kid. You’ll cry for me, but only once. I loved you like your were my own child, and I’m pretty sure you loved me like a father. No go, leave me. Don’t look back. I will always love you, and I will always be with you.
Don’t ever … stop … fighting…
*you cry one single tear, heeding his last request. You wipe it away and exit the tunnel into the sunlight*
*he opens his eyes*
Good kid, I’ve taught him all I could. Now I gotta train another one.
*He takes the shattered bottle of ketchup out of his jacket pocket exits the tunnel after you’re long gone*
(Featured image: Rockstar)
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*You awake in an underground bunker to the sounds of gunfire. Screaming.*